Cast:

MASON

TYLER

MASON'S BRAIN

MASON'S HEART

VAGINA

TYLER'S BRAIN

TYLER'S HEART

PENIS           

 

INT. PARTY - NIGHT

MASON (20, female) apprehensively enters a humid party. It’s raucous and full of smoking, drinking, and dancing. She notices TYLER (21, male) drinking by himself as well. They lock eyes, and suddenly -

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

An office space full of working “Masons”. They are quietly drinking coffee, typing, and flipping through files. Business cards on the front desk read “Mason Jones’ Body, LLC.” MASON’S BRAIN is in charge of the office full of MASON’S HEART, and VAGINA, surrounded by organized files.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Vagina, don’t get any ideas.

 

VAGINA

What, I’m just browsing the options.

 

MASON’S HEART

(swooning)

I think he’s dreamy!

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Of course you think he’s dreamy, Heart. You think everything with a pulse has potential. Get back to work. Mason’s just standing there, someone call up Feet and get that department moving.

 

The ringing of a phone interrupts the office.

 

MASON’S BRAIN Mason Jones’ Body, LLC, this is

Brain speaking. (beat)

What?

(beat)

No, no. Unacceptable. Tyler’s Body, INC. does not have the necessary authorization to interfere with this administration. (beat)

MOVING IN? No, no, that is not-

 

Tyler’s office begins to move in to Mason’s office, the two now sharing an office space. Tyler’s Brain dropping loads of files onto Mason’s Brain’s files.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

What the hell are you doing?

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

We’ve been temporarily relocated. Make some room, Einstein.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

(furious) MAKE SOME... (deep breath) ...make some room?

 

Penis has already made his way closer to Vagina.

 

PENIS

So, what’s your deal? Wanna get out of this joint?

 

VAGINA

You’re a lot shorter than I expected.

 

The Brains and Genitals begin arguing.

 

Meanwhile, Mason’s Heart is ogling Tyler’s Heart from afar.

She’s stapling paper but begins accidentally stapling nothing, unaware. Tyler’s Heart is oblivious, playing solitaire on a computer.

 

Phones ring incessantly, everyone trying to get accustomed to the new work environment.

 

A new file is dropped on the Brains’ desk from EYES and EARS.

Mason’s Brain reads it out loud, while a recording of the described interaction plays on a monitor.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Eyes and Ears sent us an update.

(clears throat, reads like stenographer)

“Tyler spills beer on Mason.” (rolls eyes)

Lovely. “Mason wipes beer off of her shirt. Shouting. Pointing.

Shouting. Shouting-” 

​

TYLER’S BRAIN

Ok, that’s enough.

 

A new file appears with a further update on the situation.

Tyler’s Brain snatches this one.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

(reading)

“Talking ensues. Conversation about classes. Mason appears to blush, states Tyler’s Eyes. We have contacted Cheeks, to which

they have confirmed-“

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Damn. Damnit, Heart! Why are you getting us all flustered around this guy?

 

MASON’S HEART

(stuttering)

I- I mean, I might’ve pulled a couple... strings.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Fuck. Not the Heart strings.

 

Tyler’s Brain sits and starts to flip through files.

 

MASON’S BRAIN (CONT’D)

(shouting)

Hey, hey! Cut it out, you’re gonna mess up my organized piles!

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

(mocking)

“My organized piles, wah wah”.

 

Tyler’s Brain grabs a few files from the desk and holds them above Mason’s Brain. She tries to get them back, jumping to reach, and grazes the file. It rips, paper fluttering to the ground.

 

Mason’s ruined files are titled FLIRTING 101 and TALKING TO

GUYS.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Oh, no.

 

Mason’s Brain shuffles through papers, frantic and muttering to herself.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

HEART! Heart, get our levels,

ASAP!

 

Both the Hearts are together, Tyler’s Heart sitting on the desk that Mason’s Heart is working at. They look into each other’s eyes until Mason’s Heart is snapped out of her lovehaze and types frenzied on the keyboard.

 

MASON’S HEART

On it. Adrenaline is off the charts, reaching close to 87%.  Uh... Estrogen called in sick and Testosterone is subbing for her today, explaining why Vagina’s so cranky.

 

Tyler’s Body makes a sound of understanding.

 

VAGINA

Oh, blow me!

​

MASON’S HEART (CONT’D)

Oh no... Brain, the ripped files might be an issue. It looks like Hands are missing vital info, along with Mouth.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

FUCK!

 

CUT TO:

INT. PARTY - NIGHT

Mason and Tyler are still talking. However, Mason is incredibly more awkward. They have to yell over the music and party ambiance.

 

MASON

SO... YOU, UH, COME HERE OFTEN...?

 

TYLER

WHAT?

 

MASON

COOL, COOL, TIGHT. YEAH. YOU’RE REAL PRETTY.

 

TYLER

I CAN’T HEAR YOU, WHAT’D YOU SAY?

 

Mason laughs maniacally and accidentally punches Tyler in the face.

 

TYLER

(rubbing his face)

JESUS, YOU’RE STRONG.

 

MASON

GOD, I’M SO SORRY. I DON’T KNOW

WHY I DID THAT.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Mason’s Brain is stressed beyond belief. She flips through files and mutters nonsense.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

I need a minute outside to think.

 

Mason’s Brain is seen walking into the hallway, letting out a  scream. She sinks to the floor and breathes heavily.

 

In the office, Hearts are both back to looking lovingly at each other, not getting any work done.

 

Vagina takes over the front desk with Brain gone. She dials a number on the phone, looking annoyed.

​

VAGINA

Yeah, can I get Hands and Fingers on the phone? ... No? ... Remind them that they go way back with Vagina. Tell them if they want to keep our working relationship, they’re going to need to cooperate. Feel up Tyler’s muscles, stat.

 

Hanging up the phone, Vagina then dials another number furiously.

 

VAGINA

Mouth? Yeah, it’s Cooch. I gotta ask a favor ... Let Hands and

Fingers do the work here. I know, I know. At least until we have another flirting file typed up. (beat)

Look. If you say another dumbass comment, I’ll make sure I’m the only one left with lips.

 

Vagina hangs up.

 

CUT TO:

INT. PARTY - NIGHT

Mason doesn’t talk, but rather, listens to Tyler. She holds onto his arm, squeezing his muscles.

 

TYLER

And ever since, I knew I wanted to be an engineer.

 

She sidles up against him.

 

TYLER (CONT’D)

What are you majoring in?

 

Mason just laughs in response and opens her mouth but no words come out.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Penis walks over and peeks over Vagina’s shoulder at a monitor of Mason and Tyler at the party getting along.

 

PENIS

Huh. Nice work.

 

Vagina pats Penis on the back.

 

VAGINA

You’re welcome.

 

Penis begins to stand taller, making everyone in the office groan.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Really, man? A pat on the back and you’re at fucking half mast?

 

Penis shrugs. The Hearts are whispering to each other, leaning into each other’s ears and giggling.

 

MASON’S HEART

No, you.

 

TYLER’S HEART

No, you.

 

PENIS

HA! What a pussy.

 

Vagina storms up to Penis.

 

VAGINA

Excuse me?

 

They begin to argue. Mason’s Brain enters holding a new file entitled “FLIRTING 102”.

 

Tyler’s Heart is now playing the guitar terribly for Mason’s

Heart. 

 

Tyler’s Brain drops new files onto Mason’s Brain’s piles and lingers.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

What?

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

What?

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Why are you just standing there?

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

(pause)

I’m not a fan of the Hearts getting all buddy-buddy.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

...Me either. What do you suggest we do?

 

The pair glances at the Hearts, who are now forehead-to-forehead, whispering sweet nothings.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

We gotta separate Tyler and Mason. I don’t want to spend any more time here with you, no offense.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

None taken. I’d rather tell the Digestive System to mandate diarrhea for a week straight than share this office with you for another day. No offense.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Ok, that offended me a little.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

We need to pull them away from each other. What’s a reason Tyler would walk away from Mason?

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Boobs, butts, booze

​

MASON’S BRAIN

Ok, gross. Booze it is. Tyler gets beer, loses Mason, we never speak to each other again, and I get my peace and quiet.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Sounds like a plan.

 

CUT TO:

INT. PARTY - NIGHT

Mason and Tyler are dancing with each other.

 

TYLER

I’m gonna go get more beer. Want me to grab you something?

 

MASON

(smiling shyly)

Yeah, sure.

 

TYLER

Awesome. I’ll be right back.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

The Brains are livid that Tyler will return to Mason.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Are you kidding me? What the hell did you do?

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

I didn’t do anything! He was ordered to just get a beer and leave the party. Why the fuck is he getting her a drink?

 

The Hearts lean against each other, Tyler’s Heart on the phone.

 

TYLER’S HEART

I appreciate it, Larynx. If you didn’t ask Mason for a drink, I would’ve been separated from this total babe.

 

The Brains are furious.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

I’m going to cut off their blood supply, I swear.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

I need a shot. You in?

 

CUT TO:

INT. PARTY - NIGHT

Tyler and Mason down two shots, then shout to each other to head outside.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Everyone is affected by the shots, typos being sent out and slurred voicemails left.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Watch this, watch this.

 

Mason’s Brain giggles as she watches Tyler’s Brain prank call

Bladder.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

(CONT’D)

Yo, is this Bladder?

 

Mason’s Brain giggles again.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

(CONT’D)

Yeah, it’s Brain. Look, I think you need to piss now. (beat)

No, you have to go. This is urgent. No time for a bathroom. 

 

CUT TO:

INT. WOODS - NIGHT

Tyler goes piss by a bush, unable to hold it in. 

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Both are laughing as Tyler’s Brain hangs up.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Okay, okay, your turn.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Hmm. Okay. I’ve never prank called before.

 

Mason’s Brain dials a number and reaches Stomach.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

Is this Stomach?

 

The Brains giggle. Mason’s Brain drunkenly shushes Tyler’s

Brain.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

(CONT’D)

Urgent task, Stomach. Just got word from Liver that it’s a rough one. Implement measure 816.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Uh oh. MB, I don’t think-

 

CUT TO:

INT. PARTY - NIGHT

Mason feels the effects of the most recent shot. As the two lean in closer for a kiss, Mason suddenly rears back and vomits on Tyler.

 

MASON

Oh my God.

 

TYLER

Holy shit. Did you just throw up on me?

 

MASON

No, no, no, no, this can’t be happening.

 

TYLER

(soothingly)

Nah, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. Here, I can walk you back to your dorm.

 

Mason somberly nods her head, looking embarrassed. They begin to leave the party together.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

The office is eerily silent. The Brains’ files are all mixed and jumbled while they sit, slumped by the desk.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

(yawning)

I’m getting...I’m getting sleepy.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

(standing)

Alright, we’ll get out of your cilia.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

What? Really?

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

Yeah, I’ll give you your peace and quiet. Mason’s had a rough night, you deserve it.

 

Mason’s Brain lifts her head and smiles weakly at Tyler’s

Brain.

 

MASON’S BRAIN

You’re not too bad, huh?

 

Tyler’s Brain is packing up files and grins. He heads towards the door, pausing only to shout at the rest of Tyler’s Body to follow in suit.

 

TYLER’S BRAIN

C’mon, Organs. We’re leaving.

 

Everyone reluctantly follows suit with their belongings. Last to leave is Tyler’s Heart, who takes one last longing look towards Mason’s Heart’s cubicle with a sigh.

 

The door closes behind him and Mason’s body is left in silence.

 

Mason’s Brain crawls over to the door, flips the “OPEN” sign to “CLOSED”, flicks the lights off, and slumps into sleep.

 

THE END